Follow the link of the song!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EOoHahF6OGQ

LOVE THIS SONG SO MUCH!

A letter everyday...

I know what I'm going to do now. I am going to write down my feelings in a letter for you everyday. Explaining everything! how I feel. Im not going to give you the letters until I can pull myself away from you.

 I see you everyday but I still miss you. I see you everyday, but you don't see me, at least not in the same way anymore. I see you everyday, but its not enough. This is my way of saying whats been going on, but not telling anyone. My way of letting you know I how I feel, without saying it to your face.

Only when I know I will never see you again, will I give you my letters. I don't want to feel like this anymore, it's the best feeling in the world but it hurts so bad. If when you read my letters you feel the same then come and find me, but if you don't, just leave it, don't ask me why, let it be over, no goodbyes!
 

Emotions

Firstly, I have to say sorry for keep talking about the same kind of subjects, but hopefully this will be the last time.
I find it difficult to show other people my emotions, well to show people anyway. I panic in situations and just tend to laugh when i cant think of anything else to say. I normally will smile, so that when i am upset, no one knows. I don't like people asking how i am because it makes me think about it more, so i just smile when i am with people. It may seem weird me saying that i don't like talking about my emotions because all i seem to do is write about them on here, but this is just a way of saying things without people talking to me about it face-to-face.
When I am upset, even when I want to talk to people about it, face-to-face I just cant get the fact i am upset over to them because i just tend to keep smiling, so people automatically assume that im not that upset and it doesn't matter.
How can I get my feeling across to people, face-to-face?

getting my feelings out!

Right i am going to use this as a way of getting my feelings about today out of my system, so don't worry if you have no idea what i am saying and what it means. I dont think people normally understand me anyway so it wont make much of a change aha!

So, for the past few weeks i have been thinking about a situation in my head that i would like to happen to me. OK so this is weird i know, but im pretty sure im not the only one who does this aha. Today what i was thinking about happens but not in the way I expected!
Anyway there is more to the story, and this is were things start to get super confusing, esp for you lot!
right well, so this has happened today and its what i imagined but like its not me, it didn't happen to me but someone i know. This is why i am upset/annoyed, its like what i think, i want to happen to me, and it happens exactly how i imagined it but not to me! how is that fair aha, its just weird! so strange!
it was as if it happened just so i knew it wouldn't happen with me! as if i was being told to drop my feelings because someone else is getting what I want and that I couldn't have what i used to have.

when it happened all i felt was my stomach, i know it sounds stupid but i felt sick! the first thing i thought was, WHAT! how can this of happened, how did i not know this was happening. I felt like nothing, that i didn't mean anything. All i want to do now is listen to sad music, (when im sad i listen to sad music:L)  i don't know why i do that, but it helps, drowning my sorrows in song aha:L

when i write this all down i feel even worse, not only because it wasn't me! but because i feel bad and upset by it, i know it doesn't make sense but i let it happen, i made it happen, i said no to it being me, so how can i be upset because it wasn't me? but whats worse of all, is no one else knows and i cant talk to anyone about it, no one will understand so i am glad i can just write a load of shit on here!

I wish I could turn back time and change my mind! this would have never happened, I wouldn't feel like this, and it would be me, just  like i imagined it!

If I could....

Have you ever wanted to do something so bad but not had the confidence to?
I feel this all the time! here is the list of things I've always wanted to do, but never been able to....

- Slap someone round the face:L
- Sing a love song on stage to the man I love and only he knows im singing directly to him
- dance on a table
- set the fire alarm off at school
- go on the x-factor
- read in front of a class

These things may sound stupid to you, but its what i really would want the confidence to do! I do have to admit that they are not very realistic since I can't sing or read aha(:
 what things have you always wanted to do?
comment back(:

Something happy!

My mummy.....

Im sorry...

This week has been hard as Alot will know, not just for me but for everyone around me. I have just been sent this by someone close to me. He told me to read it and believe it and that's what im going to try and do because i know he would never lie to me, never do anything to hurt me, yet i have hurt him. I do this for you, as the least i can do and hope you will realize that letting you go, does not mean im leaving you, that i don't love you, but in fact i do love you and me letting you go shows you how much i do, because we cannot be together, not here, not now!

And to all that read this quote, believe it too because it is true! Everyone has im-perfections but it's those im-perfections that make us amazing!

Our story, has not finished

You are mine and i am yours, just not here, not now...

Its not a good bye, it's a see you soon!

I’d like to believe that I’ll wake up one morning and not miss you anymore. I’ll finally understand that when you broke my heart it was for a reason, I’ll know that he messed up, not me! Because I cried for the time that you were almost mine, I cried for the memories I’ve left behind, I cried for the pain, the lost, the old, the new, I cried for the time that I thought I had you…  Everything I thought we had is no longer there because of the person in my life right now!

You helped me forget he who once was and for that I will always care for you. But love is when you know all my secrets, my deepest, darkest, most dreadful secrets, of which no one else will ever know, but because you are mine and I am your biggest secret I have to let you go…No one would understand the love we have, they would say you’re the wrong person, that what we are doing is wrong. but I say you’re the right person and the wrong time and that is the down fall of our relationship. So I say good bye and leave you by saying this…

Because now we cannot be together, keep me in your heart… I’ll stay with you forever.

He made enough so we can be together, maybe not now, but hopefully it wont be forever!

Abortion. Right or wrong?

This is another topic given to me. ‘Abortion’  Right? Or wrong?

I don’t think there is an answer really to this because you can never say what you would do unless you were in that situation and you never will understand how the person feels until you have experienced it yourself. Also even if you find yourself in that situation when abortion might be a option the situation for you is not going to be the same for someone else, so you can’t say oh you shouldn’t have done that.

I guess it’s more of a point of view thing; I would never stand here and say if you have aborted your baby, you are a bad person, because I just don’t believe that they are! And I don’t think it is right for anyone else to either!

Personally from my point of view, aborting a baby is an extremely serious decision and should only be done in extremely serious situation. Some situations when I would deem it acceptable, not right, but acceptable to do this are in situations when the women have been raped. This is because the prospect of raising this child might remind you too much of the terrible thing that happened to her and therefore anyone who says that the women are ‘wrong’ to abort in these circumstances is in fact being a good person. There are some religious views that say it is wrong, no matter what but I just cannot see how anyone could live with themselves making women who have been raped, live with a child that would remind them or their attack for the rest of their lives.  Now I know the response some people would give back to that, they might say well why the mother doesn’t just adopt the baby once it is born instead of killing a precious life. Yes I do agree with this and ideally I would suggest this as well but the pregnancy itself is meant to be where the mother bonds this the idea of being pregnant, having a child of their own. But in a rape case the bump might just remind her of what has happened and bring up awful feelings. Therefore I don’t think you can say that it is ‘wrong’ for the women to abort a baby in this situation, you may think it is a bad decision, but not ‘wrong’.

I don’t think I can tell you what I would do if I was in that situation because I am not in, but for any other reason I do not see why killing life is the right thing to do, so I would never do it! I would suggest other options like adoption but again I think it would be really hard for me to do that as well, but if I did not have the money and my child would not get a good quality of life with me at the time, I think I would have to, for the sake of my child. for me, a child would only be a idea if i was in a loving, married relationship, so therefore I would have planned it, but i realize this can not always be possible for everyone.

Opinions please. what would you do. And do you agree with what I have said?

Is there a perfect man for everyone?

This is another subject given to me! And this time is a nice one aha!

‘Is there the perfect man for everyone?’

My answer to this is no, there is no perfect man or perfect girl out there, every relationship comes with its struggles but it is how we deal with these that makes the relationship work or not. Something I do believe though is that there is someone meant for everyone, someone that you are meant to be with. I sound stupid when I say this but I used to think that I and this person were meant to be together. I knew his flaws and I hated them but I couldn’t help the feelings I had for him. It was as if I was meant to have these feelings for him. To me we had been through so much together when really it had been a one way relationship, me to him, I had been played. This went on for ages and although I fully knew that he did not like me in that way, he still made me, in the back of my mind hope and he would say things that made me think that he did, even though he told me he didn’t. it took me a long time to step away from the situation and by the time I had, I had done things that I regret now, but at the time all I wanted was for him to like me and therefore I couldn’t see what I was doing was wrong!

I thought that we were meant to be together because we do/did have chemistry, well in my opinion we did. At the time I would have done anything for him, just for him to compliment me, and every time he did, I felt like I couldn’t say no to him! Any way I now realise that we are not meant to be together and have accepted that although there is always going to be something between us, because of those feelings I once had, nothing will ever happen again! I am so glad I am out of that situation because it made me feel so so so good for about a minute and then crap for the rest of the time. I hated him when I first got out of the situation because I just thought he was using me, but now I realise that I didn’t tell him this, I said yes, he didn’t know that’s how I felt so how can I blame him?

I will always have these feelings for him; I know this and hate it but have accepted it. I am finally happy with where I am at with my relationships with people. I don’t think I have met the person I am meant to be with yet, but I am happy with the people I am seeing so I guess that’s all I can hope for and for the mean time am excited for what’s ahead because what else can I do? I have the belief that there is that special person out there for everyone, but for me, I might not have met them yet…

Apology

I don’t particularly like apologising because it means your admitting you were wrong, or realising what you have said has upset/offended/worried others. In this case I want/need to because it has hurt people close to me. What I am apologising for is in fact what I wrote on my blog last. I was told/asked to write this subject and I didn’t feel I could sit here and say yeah I love my body, its great being big, because it just isn’t the truth but I am sorry if anyone was affected by this. The main reason for writing this is because I feel so bad that anyone would ever feel that what I said is down to them because it 100% isn’t! what I said was 100% the truth and it is not down to anyone that has read it! I felt like I had to get it off my chest because all I was doing was thinking about it all day, but after seeing what has happened since I would just like to again say sorry and people you don’t have to worry because although I feel that way about my body, I am not doing anything wrong!

(Indirectly) you are my best friend and always will be! It is not your fault and I know you think it is but you know I have always thought this, and the reason I have not said anything to you recently is because I did not want this to happen. I would never want to upset you! Please do not think this is your fault and also do not worry about me because I am fine! These are just feelings which I’m sure most girls at our age have so it’s normal!

To everyone else, I do not want to talk about this subject any further, so please do not bring it up anymore. I would like to still apologise to you if I have made you worried/upset because there is no reason to. Most girls think the same as me and the only reason you’re not worrying about them is because they haven’t said anything, unlike me who opened her mouth!

So again I would like to apologise for anything bad I have made people feel.

Scogs you are my besto, hope this picture cheers you up abit(:

Look see, always have been, always will be my besto!!! stop worrying! 

Weight

This is yet another topic given to me to talk about and for me, one I am interested in. Weight is something I think about every day, it is normal for me to plan out how much I should eat around how much I weight. I always think about it and worry about it, there is no getting anyway from it. I weigh myself three times a day to see if I have gained any weight, which when I say it out loud is a stupid thing to do, but if I don’t do it I get really panicky! In my mind this is something completely normal, but when I think about it, I realise, ok maybe this isn’t normal, normal people don’t think about their weight this much! But still I carry on because I feel like I have to.  I have always been uncomfortable about my body and how much I weigh because I used to be really quite heavy! And I was told it a lot as a kid! Not only was I told that I was fat, what seemed to be all the time to me, but when I saw magazines and adverts everyone else seemed to be really thin, meaning I began to think I was even bigger!

My weight and I’m sure a lot of other peoples weight is constantly scrutinized by what people think they should look like and what people think they should look like is based on, well based on for me, what I think everyone else looks like. So when I pick up a magazines or see pictures of celebs I automatically think that is normal and that is one of the reasons why I feel that I am even fatter than I had of originally thought. I know magazines use ridiculously thin models to try and sell the clothes, but I’m getting to the point where in my mind I don’t just want to be as small as them, but I want to be smaller! I know that, that sounds stupid! And I sound like I need a slap because it is out of order but I only think that for myself. One of my friends is about to go on a diet and to me it is stupid because she is a perfect size! Beautiful! She is really thin, but not like disgustingly thin, so I don’t understand why she would be saying this! I would kill for a body like hers. If she said to me I want to be a size 0, I would be like that’s not good! I would see that it is not healthy for her to be that weight, but as soon as I put it back on me, I don’t see anything wrong with it!

On what I have, I do not want to offend anyone, or say the wrong thing; this is why I haven’t said anything like this before! And anyone who doesn’t know me and for those that do, there is no need to worry because I am not anywhere near too thin, so it’s fine!

I personally think that magazines and bullies who have ever called anyone FAT should be ashamed with themselves because they do not know what is does to the person you are talking to. Although I am not anorexic or even ‘too thin’ what is shown in magazines has affected me, so much so that every day I think about losing weight and although it doesn’t seem to be happening for me, for other people becoming anorexic is a sad truth about what has happened to them because of the perception that thin is beautiful!

I will be the first person to stand up and say curves are brilliant, they are hot! They look much better than just a stick and I am saying this and believing it, honestly and I do want to be curvy, but when I look at myself, I’m not curvy, I’m just fat!  People may say to me that I’m not, but all I think is well they are not going to say well you could do with losing some weight Ellie.

I have become so uncomfortable in my own body I just can’t imagine what some people have to go through! People who have been affected by the wrong perception that ‘thin is beautiful’ and are coming out the other side I commend so much and I am proud to call you my friend, I just want to say quickly, hopefully without upsetting her too much, and I’m not going to say your Name but you know who you are! I am so proud at how well you have done so far! You are so strong and I just want you to continue getting better because your my best friend and I couldn’t be without you in my life! Love you!

I want magazines to only show pictures of models that are a six 8 and up! Preferably the up^ because I do not want anyone to go through what some people have to go through because they feel like these girls in the magazines are beautiful, let me just say that they are not! And I want to speak to every single girl right now when I say, no matter what you look like, what size you are, you ARE beautiful and shouldn’t change just because the magazines say that super skinny is nice!

I believe what I have said 100% but for me I just think I would be a lot nicer if I lose a little bit more weight. I will not take it too far but I am so sorry for anyone I have affected over the years with my losing weight obsession! I feel so bad, if I have made people think about their weight because it isn’t a big deal so I would like to say sorry. Especially to the people who really did not need to know what I think about myself!

I wish I had never seen the magazines or listened to the people who ever called me fat because I wouldn’t be in this situation now!

                                                    

This is the type of body girls should aspire to! not some thin model in a magazine!

Sex and the media

This is another subject given to me, where I say my opinion about it.

 I will start by saying that I think through the years, sex has become more and more part of people’s everyday lives, in terms of people will see sexualised things everywhere they look, you can’t get away from it. For example in music videos, girls have featured in them; let’s just say not wearing a lot. This is because ‘sex sells’, having these girls in the video, does boost views on the video! I don’t think this should necessarily be what happens though. In fact, my personal opinion is that girls are put under a lot of pressure by the constant use of not only ‘perfect’ women but the fact that these music videos and other media related things make it seem that sex is the right thing to do. When you think about it, things like music videos and magazines tend to be read/watched by teenage girls, meaning the acceptance and pressure of sex is put upon them at a much earlier age then it would have been say 15 years ago.  In my opinion, girls are losing their virginity before they would normally be ready since the media has shown it so much, they don’t see the significance of it anymore. Sex should be an act of love. This is why I think that the average age for losing your virginity has gone down so much recently (last ten years).

Sex related to media, in my opinion and in someone else I know, has also made it harder for boys to wait for marriage. For example waiting for marriage to have sex used to stand some purpose, now the only people who tend to save themselves for marriage are people who have some form of faith, meaning they have a reason for doing so. Now days it has almost become a challenge for boys to lose their virginity as early as they can, they don’t see how special it should be. In my opinion this is because of how easy it is to watch things like pornography. I admire people who are determined to save themselves for that one special person, especially if they are a boy, because of the added pressure they are put upon them. This boy I know has decided that this is what he is doing, but says things like pornography makes it harder. I totally agree that there are things nowadays that put so much pressure on teenagers to have sex so I admire him and anyone else who is waiting for marriage because it is a very rare thing for people to do now days and I don’t think it should be.

The pressure put upon young people nowadays to huge due to media and I don’t think it is fair for anyone to lose their virginity before they are ready, because if they are not, it will not be worth remembering. I’m not saying everyone should wait for marriage, but I don’t think people realise how young they are, until they really think back on what they have done when they were younger. 

A bit about me..

                                                     

I'm Eleanor Louise Hope O'Hanlon, I have a great family and the best friends!

And this is me! 

Im a fifteen year old girl, who tries to see the positive in everything and hates being stuck with negative feelings or people. I'm nothing special, but my family are friends are, so keep reading my blog to here some of my opinions and just to feel happy!

I have been called weird by just about everyone who knows me! but i love it! its not a bad thing, its what makes me, me! I'll do things that other people are to scared to, and I will say things people would love to say. I like to see my self as funny, but i guess people are only laughing because what im saying is soo not funny!

I love my life and yes i know im extremely lucky with what i have, but obviously i have bad days and im not perfect, I have struggles but I try not to dwell on them to much, instead put music on and tend to rock out, aha... told you i was weird!

So this is me love it or hate it, im not changing.... I hope you love it though!

My Family...

I have a huge family, and i love it that way! I have five sisters, Elizabeth, Laura, Amelia, Me, Isabelle and Lydia. I also have two wonderful parents called Mark and Jackie....

Elizabeth...

She is my oldest sister and I love her so much! She is a beautiful person inside and out. She always tries to sort things out for peoples and deserves to be happy, always!

Laura...

 Laura is my second oldest sister and of course i love her too! she is the one on the left of this picture. she is hilarious when she chooses to be, and can make any situation funny! She should laugh more often, her smile makes her stunning! 

Amelia...

Amelia is the sister above me in the order, she is not only a sister to me but a friend, I feel like i could talk about anything to her, and always have a laugh, even when she annoys me, you just cant help but laugh! She is stunning and I am truly jealous of her! Love you smeels!

Isabelle...

This is Isabelle, the sister below me! she is stunning and when she smiles she is the cutest girl in the world, she makes me laugh and if she ever needs help, i hope she knows i will be there for her, know matter what! love you B!

lydia...

LoobyLoo, you have to think she is cute! just look at her. this story sums her up... I came down stairs this morning saying i didnt feel well, she sat me down got me a drink, got me covers and pillows and told me not to move, she would get me anything i wanted. she did all that and she is only eight! Love you honey! xx

My mummy and daddy...

Above is my family including my mum and dad! i love them so much and wouldn't ever change them! they do so much for me and my sisters and i know that! they are brilliant and make me laugh so much, they are hilarious! 

Love you guys so much!!

Remember them!

They gave their today, so we could have our tomorrow!

Friends and Family

Friends...

And Family...

Mean Everything to me!

Life is good! Live it!

Don't waste it!

Student/Teacher relationships

I want to talk about student/teacher relationships because they are always shown in a negative way and I don't also think they should be.

I know that not many people will agree with me, but I don't think that all teachers that have relationships with students are paedophiles, or that the relationships are always wrong.

I've always been told that student/ teacher relationships are wrong, that the teacher is a paedophile and have groomed these students. I guess I have just accepted it, but recently after thinking about it I have grown to realize that this is not ALWAYS the case. People have always told me that it is wrong for many reasons, that teachers are abusing their position as a trusted adult in these students’ lives, and yes I can see how they are not doing what they are meant to do, but does that mean that it is wrong? If the teacher is using their position in the students life to groom them and make them believe that they love them, when the only reason they are doing it is because they are attracted to the age of the student, then yes I agree it is wrong, but what I’m saying is I don't think ALL student/teacher relationships happen because of these actions from the teacher.

Don't misunderstand me, the grooming of a student from a teacher, by using their position as the student’s teacher IS WRONG! But all I’m saying is sometimes, just sometimes, when a student/teacher relationship happens, it isn't because of the grooming of the student, but because the couple genuinely love each other for reasons that age does not come into it! Teachers are put under a lot of pressure when they are attracted to a student, because of the general public opinion about why they are attracted to a student. People straight away assume that it’s because they are paedophiles, but what if the attraction that the teacher has for the pupil is not because of the age of the student, but merely because they like the person for the person. Love isn't something you choose to feel, you can't choose who you fall in love with or why, you shouldn't judge people on their skin colour, or their religion, so what gives you the right to say that their relationship is wrong because of their ages?

Age gaps between what is regarded as 'normal couples' is seen to be weird, a common phrase being ' he is old enough to be your father'. What I want to do is fight this general opinion, people say that love is UN conditional-without conditions- so why would you say oh oh, but I can’t love you because you are too young, or you are too old. No, love doesn't work like that; you can help who you TRULY love, so I don't think it is fair to judge people who are in relationships where there are big age gaps because they can’t help it! I say well on them for going for it, not caring about what people might think or say and doing something for them. Age is just a number, it shouldn't be a factor that decides whether you give a relationship a shot or not. I think that the public are too quick in judging that the teacher is a paedophile when a student/teacher relationship happens. This is what I want to change!

This relates to my point that not all teacher/student relationships should be seen as wrong because of the age gap between the couple. It is the same as couples with big age gaps in a way because one of the reasons people think it is wrong is because of the age gap, teacher, being the students elder should not have a relationship because 'they are older enough to be your dad'. My opinion is that in some situations, the genuine attraction TO THE PERSON FOR THE PERSON, the student is the right person but at the wrong time. If the couple, the teacher and student, had met under different circumstances, people would still say that the relationship was wrong because of the age gap, and as I have said above, why are age gaps important? Therefore this would mean that it is not necessarily only because the couple is a teacher and a student.

Allot of TV programs have portrayed student/teacher relationships in different ways. Take pretty little liars for example, the characters Ezra Fitz, being the English teacher and Aria Montgomery, the student, meet and our immediately attracted to each other, they meet for the first time before either of them realize that he will shortly be becoming her teacher and before he knows her age. This shows that the relationship was not based on her age, showing the audience that he is not a paedophile and that their relationship is genuine. The audience gets to see their relationship throughout and therefore does not end up rejecting it and thinking it is wrong, in fact the audience tend to want this relationship to carry on and develop. This just proves my point that IF the relationship between the student and teacher is genuine, why would people have a problem with it? just because people don't know what happens behind closed doors means that it leave space for assumptions to happen and in my opinion this is where the assumption that all student/ teacher relationships occur because of grooming.

Some student/ teacher relationships are genuine and that assumption should not happen because it ruins lives!

I'm not stupid! I realize that the majority of student/teacher relationships are carried out by paedophiles and in my opinion this is because of the public opinion that it is wrong. my reasoning for thinking this is because paedophiles who are attracted to students because of their age have an erdge to act on those feelings and therefore will probably do so, where are teachers realize the public opinion that the attraction they have for their student is wrong and also because of this may think that what they are feeling is in fact wrong, they know not to react to the attraction because of the consequences that they might face if people find out.

I personally feel sorry for teachers and students who have feelings for each and either has to hide their relationship, or does not start the relationship because they are in fear of what people might say and think of them. This however is only the case if the feeling is not due to age or grooming of the student.

I understand that a teacher and student relationship is not ideal because it could get messy, due to the fact the teacher has to still teach this student without any added emotions showing. This is because as a teacher to all of the students, he/she has a responsibility to give every single one of those students the SAME chance of doing well, which therefore means not favouring one student above another. I say this as one of the only things about a student teacher relationship that may be a bit confusing, but I don't think it necessarily makes it WRONG! This is because this situation could happen if the teacher was your parent, they are bound to give you an advantage over the other students even if not on purpose. Therefore my suggestion would be to get the student to switch classes for that subject, only to avoid inconvenience.

deciding whether the teacher had only genuine feelings for the student as a person not a number, I accept would be a difficult challenge and I am not saying we should allow student/teacher relationships to just happen, but I don't think we, the general public should be so quick to decide that a teacher who has a relationship with a pupil is a paedophile, or to say that the student has been abused because in some situations, these are genuine relationship that deserve respect, whatever your view on the matter!

Not ALL teachers with feelings for students are pedophiles!